Phantoms Forum

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- Flood (http://ds-dealer.eu/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)

- - Jokes (http://ds-dealer.eu/forum/showthread.php?t=4)

Paddy phones for an ambulance on his mobile because his mate has been
hit by a car on their way back from a night at their pub in Donegal.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears
and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
(Silence)

After a minute: 'Hello, this is the operator, are you there sir?'
(Heavy panting)

Operator, sounding concerned: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
(Only more heavy panting)

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number tree Oak Street, dats O--A--K Street'

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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says: 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies: 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

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Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies:
'Your sense of humour!'

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An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

3 men were captured by cannibals. The cannibals said " Go into the forest and come out with 10 of the same kind of fruits". The first man came out with 10 apples. the cannibals said " Stick all of them into ur ass without wincing or making a sound." He got 3 in then he got stuck. the cannibals ate him. The second came out with blue berrys. He got 9 in then started laughing. The 2 guys met in heaven. The first guy asxked the second, "u were so close, y did u laugh?" He responded "Cus the third guy was coming out with pinapples"

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So this one guy thut his wife was cheating on him. he came home one day, and she was taking a shower, so he went on the balcon of the third story and saw somebody holding on by there fingers. "take this u basterd! for sleeping with my wife!" he kicked the mans finger off the railing and he fell into a bush 3 storys down. He lived so the man took his fridge and dropped it on the man, and he died. then he went in his room and killd himself.
So 3 guys meet in heaven, and they can only let 1 of them in today, so who died the worse death? First guy said "I fell from my 4th byulding balcony and landed in the 1 below, where some guy called me basted and dropped a fridge on me" the second " I killd this cheating basted n committed suiced. " the third guy said " Picture this: naked, in a fridge"

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began
to say:

'Red............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,

' Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the honey taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Theres a little boy outside a church burning ants wit a magnifying glass. The priest walks upto him and says "son y are u doing that?"

The boy replies "there fucking useless father"

The preist replies "my son god put nothin on this earth that is useless name 3 if u can"

The boys says "ok 1. a nuns cunt, 2 a preists dick and 3 these fuckin ants"

Cyx and Loxley went to their annual camping holiday in South Wales. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Cyx wakes Loxley and says, "hey Bro, look towards the sky, what do you see? "

Loxley replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?' asked Cyx.

Loxley ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Cyx?'

'You are dumber than sheep shit. It means someone has stole the tent.

Swearing At Work...or Play

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner

) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f***you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b**ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f***ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh**ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh**.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f***ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f***?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f***ing h*ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a***.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh** and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a***.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F*** it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a***.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f*** died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr*ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

You going to translate that song for us Ast. ? Better yet sing it in english in skype for us.