Jokes
 

Why are men like clouds? Eventually they disappear and it's a really nice day.


**************************

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.


**************************

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
"Crikey mate, that was impressive!"
"I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wifes epileptic"


**************************

An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas .. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
Walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Ester replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat'

:joker: keep bringing them to the table woman

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside..

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................




NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

LIVERPOOL SEX SURVEY

In a sex survey held in liverpool, it was found that 70% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower...................





The Other 30% haven't been to prison yet!

IRISH JOKE (just for Ag)

Two Irishmen go into a pet shop.

"We'll be havin' four of dem dare budgerigars!" says Seamus.
"Dat's right!" says Paddy, "Dose four dare, dey look nice 'n fit!"
So the petshop owner puts the four budgies in a little box and Seamus and Paddy set off in their van.
"Oi've bin lookin' forward to doin' dis ALL week," said Seamus, very excitedly.
"Me too!" agrees Paddy, "Me too!"
Eventually they get to the top of a huge cliff and Seamus parks the van.
"Say, dis looks a grand place!" says Seamus.
"It does dat!" agrees Paddy, looking down the 1000ft drop. "Well, dis is it!" Seamus shouts in excitement, as he takes two of the little budgies out of the box, places one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as Seamus plummets all the way to the bottom, where he crashes to the ground, stone dead.
"Fook that for a game......" says Paddy with a frown, peering over the edge and shaking his head. "Dis budgie jumping looks too fookin'

dangerous to me......"


BUT THAT'S NOT ALL......


Just as Paddy turns to go, Gerry turns up with another box.
"Hey Paddy!" shouts Gerry, "I've always wanted to troy dis! Watch!! "
With that, he takes a chicken out of the box, holds onto it's legs and he too jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry goes crashing to the ground, where he lies next to Seamus, stone dead.


"Fook that too....." says Paddy sadly, "Oi don't reckon dat hengliding is all it's cracked up to be either......"


AND THEN.......


Murphy turns up. He also has a box.
"Hey Paddy!" he calls, "D'ya want to see what oi've got here?" Paddy peers inside the box to find a large green parrot.
"Now Murphy, yer not about to troy gliding or jumping wi dat dare ting, now are you?"
"Corse not!" says Murphy producing a large shot gun. "D'ya tink oi'm stupid Paddy? Now see here!"
With that he throws the parrot off the cliff and runs off the edge of the cliff after it, shooting at it with his shotgun! Moments later, he too lies dead on the ground, next to Seamus and Gerry.


"Fook dat......" says Paddy. "First Seamus wid his budgie jumpin, den Gerry wid his hengliding and now Murphy wid his fookin parrotshooting....."

IN THE KITCHEN

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned, her sad face brightening at the sight of him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"





She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Condoms

imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms & kept their tag line... Tesco condoms, every little helps... Nike condoms, just do it...Peugeot condoms, the ride of your life... KFC condoms, finger licking good... Ever ready condoms, keep going and going and going....Pringles condoms, once you pop you can't stop......Burger kong condoms, home of the whopper... Andrex condoms, soft strong and very long... Polo condoms the one with the hole.. DAMN

16:49:29 [piulup]: [ContractKiller]: are you really fighitng him ?
16:49:39 [MONSTER]: heh i dont wanna walk out and right into him lol
16:49:44 [ContractKiller]: [piulup]: he wont fight me 1v1, he knows his damage not big enough
16:49:52 Religion Kill: [TomKruzHeadless] killed [ContractKiller] (13 experience gained).
16:49:58 [MONSTER]: lomao
16:50:01 [piulup]: [ContractKiller]: lol

:kz: CK before fight: :horseman: == > after: :angel:

we arent laughing that you died bro we laughing that it was all too fast and it match when you say and he gets kill

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html ha!

25 Reasons Why You Owe Your Parents





1. My Parents taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My Parents taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My Parents taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My Parents taught me: LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My Parents taught me: MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My Parents taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My Parents taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My Parents taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My Parents taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My Parents taught me: HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My Parents taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My Parents taught me: ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My Parents taught me: RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My Parents taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My Parents taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My Parents taught me: HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My Parents taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My Parents taught me: GENETICS.
'I swear you're just like your father.'

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My Parents taught me: WISDOM ..
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My PARENTS TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

NOT having a good day...
 

Because I'm allowed to...
 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman attended the Olympic Games as spectators, but failed to get tickets for the main stadium.
The Englishman took a cannonball and got in by saying, 'I'm representing England in the shot.'
The Scotsman took a long pole and got in by saying, 'I'm representing Scotland in the pole vault.'
The Irishman took half a dozen stakes and three rolls of barbed wire and said to the official, 'I'm representing Ireland in fencing.'


A rich American challenged an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman to drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes.
The Englishman tried but could manage only five pints.
The Scotsman did a bit better - he drank seven pints in ten minutes.
The Irishman downed the ten pints in nine minutes and as the American handed over the prize money he remarked. 'I didn't think you could do it.'
'I knew I could,' said the Irishman, 'because I did the same thing in the pub next door a few minutes ago.'

These were the last words of our three heroes.
The Englishman: Thank God I die in England.
The Scotsman: Thank God I don't die in England.
The Irishman: How can they make any profit on this stuff at ?2 a bottle?

:friday:

Draz that was hilarious.. had me in stitches :laught:

ag the english, scot, irishman ones were good :vodka: but not the first ones! sexist :sneaky:

:fingal:

was provoked...

:badtease:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a ?20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are ?20 notes falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '?20 or off it comes!'
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on 'The Sea'. Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them.

The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an arse-hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Agreynel age 36)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

BRAVE MEN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his Wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ?400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on ?800 a year".


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, A 250g pack
of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the
box.

She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales


WARNING .... DO NOT TRY THESE GAGS AT HOME, ALL OF THE ABOVE NAMED GENTLEMEN ARE HAVING THEIR FUNERALS NEXT WEEK

lol draz u continue to crack me up!

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER



You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one....

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course
of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how
beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening , while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just
roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that read:

Dear Son,



I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.....SHE ALWAYS KNOWS!....

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,
you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under
the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Why is PMS called PMS?

Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

The love dress
 

now, now, there! :dont: that is hella funny lol

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

:smoke:

:laught:

lol :laught:

Computer Error*

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. In case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

Friendly little excel document to pass the time when you can't go out and hunt on DS.:laught:

Four friends who hadn't seen eachother in 30 years reunited at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the rest room, while the remaining three talked about their kids. The first guy said 'my son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Admin and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he is the president of the company and has become so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said 'My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. He is now a partner in the company and is so rich he bought his best friend a new jet for his birthday'
The third man said 'hey that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He gave his best friend a 30 000 sq foot mansion for his birthday.'
The three friends congratulated eachother just as the fourth returned and asked 'what are all the congratulations for?' Oh we were talking about the pride we feel for our sons what about your son?
The fourth man replied 'my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' 'Oh damn what a disappointment' they replied as one. 'No I'm not ashamed he's my son and I love him. Besides he hasn't done too bad either. It was his birthday two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30 000 sq foot mansion, a new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!'

that was funny Lox :loony:

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her soon say 'All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on now, cause we are leaving.'
The horrified mother stormed into the living room and shouted at her son 'we don't use that language in this house - get to your room and stay there for 2 hours. When you come out you can play with your train again but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later the son came out out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all your hand luggage under your seat. Please remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile the child added......................
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please take your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen!'

lmao