Jokes
 

Why are men like clouds? Eventually they disappear and it's a really nice day.


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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.


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Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
"Crikey mate, that was impressive!"
"I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wifes epileptic"


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An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas .. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
Walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Ester replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat'

:joker: keep bringing them to the table woman

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside..

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................




NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

LIVERPOOL SEX SURVEY

In a sex survey held in liverpool, it was found that 70% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower...................





The Other 30% haven't been to prison yet!

IRISH JOKE (just for Ag)

Two Irishmen go into a pet shop.

"We'll be havin' four of dem dare budgerigars!" says Seamus.
"Dat's right!" says Paddy, "Dose four dare, dey look nice 'n fit!"
So the petshop owner puts the four budgies in a little box and Seamus and Paddy set off in their van.
"Oi've bin lookin' forward to doin' dis ALL week," said Seamus, very excitedly.
"Me too!" agrees Paddy, "Me too!"
Eventually they get to the top of a huge cliff and Seamus parks the van.
"Say, dis looks a grand place!" says Seamus.
"It does dat!" agrees Paddy, looking down the 1000ft drop. "Well, dis is it!" Seamus shouts in excitement, as he takes two of the little budgies out of the box, places one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as Seamus plummets all the way to the bottom, where he crashes to the ground, stone dead.
"Fook that for a game......" says Paddy with a frown, peering over the edge and shaking his head. "Dis budgie jumping looks too fookin'

dangerous to me......"


BUT THAT'S NOT ALL......


Just as Paddy turns to go, Gerry turns up with another box.
"Hey Paddy!" shouts Gerry, "I've always wanted to troy dis! Watch!! "
With that, he takes a chicken out of the box, holds onto it's legs and he too jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry goes crashing to the ground, where he lies next to Seamus, stone dead.


"Fook that too....." says Paddy sadly, "Oi don't reckon dat hengliding is all it's cracked up to be either......"


AND THEN.......


Murphy turns up. He also has a box.
"Hey Paddy!" he calls, "D'ya want to see what oi've got here?" Paddy peers inside the box to find a large green parrot.
"Now Murphy, yer not about to troy gliding or jumping wi dat dare ting, now are you?"
"Corse not!" says Murphy producing a large shot gun. "D'ya tink oi'm stupid Paddy? Now see here!"
With that he throws the parrot off the cliff and runs off the edge of the cliff after it, shooting at it with his shotgun! Moments later, he too lies dead on the ground, next to Seamus and Gerry.


"Fook dat......" says Paddy. "First Seamus wid his budgie jumpin, den Gerry wid his hengliding and now Murphy wid his fookin parrotshooting....."

IN THE KITCHEN

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned, her sad face brightening at the sight of him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"





She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Condoms

imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms & kept their tag line... Tesco condoms, every little helps... Nike condoms, just do it...Peugeot condoms, the ride of your life... KFC condoms, finger licking good... Ever ready condoms, keep going and going and going....Pringles condoms, once you pop you can't stop......Burger kong condoms, home of the whopper... Andrex condoms, soft strong and very long... Polo condoms the one with the hole.. DAMN

16:49:29 [piulup]: [ContractKiller]: are you really fighitng him ?
16:49:39 [MONSTER]: heh i dont wanna walk out and right into him lol
16:49:44 [ContractKiller]: [piulup]: he wont fight me 1v1, he knows his damage not big enough
16:49:52 Religion Kill: [TomKruzHeadless] killed [ContractKiller] (13 experience gained).
16:49:58 [MONSTER]: lomao
16:50:01 [piulup]: [ContractKiller]: lol