OK I laughed so hard at many of these jokes so I have to post a couple of mine.
The*IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir,*you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure*the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says*Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The*auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go*ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a*thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's*attorney as a witness. He starts to get*nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' *Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars*that I can stand on one side of your desk, and*pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in*between.
The auditor, twice burned, is*cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and*unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The*auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge*win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and*puts his head in his hands.
'Are you*okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa *told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet *me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could *come in here and piss all over your desk and *that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep*telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
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