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Old 12-03-2009, 05:31 AM   #51
Arturo
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i hve never posted a joke so here is it for all of u that missed asteroid gra ))

23:22:01 [Asteroid]: http://dgportafolio.com/otarechickens.jpg ))
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Old 12-03-2009, 06:32 AM   #52
Adro
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Is that what they look like underneath their armor?
its new clan avi

Last edited by Asteroid; 12-03-2009 at 07:41 AM.
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Old 12-20-2009, 06:02 PM   #53
lot
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never trust someting that bleeds a weak and not die's
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:39 PM   #54
Loxley
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Subject: Think before you say YES
Johnny wanted to have sex with Sophia in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a ?100 if you let me make love to you. But the girl said 'NO'.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for ?200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.



She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'



Moral of the Story :- Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and running into the risk of getting screwed!
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:45 PM   #55
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Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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Old 02-03-2010, 12:49 AM   #56
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Lox you were the caller weren't you?
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:05 PM   #57
Flo
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OK I laughed so hard at many of these jokes so I have to post a couple of mine.

The*IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir,*you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure*the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says*Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The*auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go*ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a*thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's*attorney as a witness. He starts to get*nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' *Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars*that I can stand on one side of your desk, and*pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in*between.

The auditor, twice burned, is*cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and*unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The*auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge*win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and*puts his head in his hands.

'Are you*okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa *told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet *me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could *come in here and piss all over your desk and *that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep*telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:07 PM   #58
Flo
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Think before you speak...
*
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great! *Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back... *or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. *My husband didn't say a word.....
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. *After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. *He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. *As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. *The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. *I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. *To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' *
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. *Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. *The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter...


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? *My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. *One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. *It was very busy, with a full dining room. *While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean..
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. *I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' *Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, bec ause the smell was getting worse. *Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.. *An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? *Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you *speak**
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:22 PM   #59
Lithium Lullaby
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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
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