Jokes

[Queen_Booyah]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Cyx]

lol

[Lannie]

Computer Error*

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. In case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

[Lannie]

Friendly little excel document to pass the time when you can't go out and hunt on DS.

[Loxley]

Four friends who hadn't seen eachother in 30 years reunited at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the rest room, while the remaining three talked about their kids. The first guy said 'my son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Admin and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he is the president of the company and has become so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said 'My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. He is now a partner in the company and is so rich he bought his best friend a new jet for his birthday'
The third man said 'hey that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He gave his best friend a 30 000 sq foot mansion for his birthday.'
The three friends congratulated eachother just as the fourth returned and asked 'what are all the congratulations for?' Oh we were talking about the pride we feel for our sons what about your son?
The fourth man replied 'my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' 'Oh damn what a disappointment' they replied as one. 'No I'm not ashamed he's my son and I love him. Besides he hasn't done too bad either. It was his birthday two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30 000 sq foot mansion, a new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!'

[Queen_Booyah]

that was funny Lox

[Loxley]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her soon say 'All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on now, cause we are leaving.'
The horrified mother stormed into the living room and shouted at her son 'we don't use that language in this house - get to your room and stay there for 2 hours. When you come out you can play with your train again but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later the son came out out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all your hand luggage under your seat. Please remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile the child added......................
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please take your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen!'

[lily197]

lmao

[lily197]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 1 0 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next Day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!