Jokes

[piu]

CK before fight: == > after:

we arent laughing that you died bro we laughing that it was all too fast and it match when you say and he gets kill

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html ha!

[Drazson]

25 Reasons Why You Owe Your Parents





1. My Parents taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My Parents taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My Parents taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My Parents taught me: LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My Parents taught me: MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My Parents taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My Parents taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My Parents taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My Parents taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My Parents taught me: HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My Parents taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My Parents taught me: ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My Parents taught me: RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My Parents taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My Parents taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My Parents taught me: HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My Parents taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My Parents taught me: GENETICS.
'I swear you're just like your father.'

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My Parents taught me: WISDOM ..
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My PARENTS TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

[agreynel]

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

[agreynel]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman attended the Olympic Games as spectators, but failed to get tickets for the main stadium.
The Englishman took a cannonball and got in by saying, 'I'm representing England in the shot.'
The Scotsman took a long pole and got in by saying, 'I'm representing Scotland in the pole vault.'
The Irishman took half a dozen stakes and three rolls of barbed wire and said to the official, 'I'm representing Ireland in fencing.'


A rich American challenged an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman to drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes.
The Englishman tried but could manage only five pints.
The Scotsman did a bit better - he drank seven pints in ten minutes.
The Irishman downed the ten pints in nine minutes and as the American handed over the prize money he remarked. 'I didn't think you could do it.'
'I knew I could,' said the Irishman, 'because I did the same thing in the pub next door a few minutes ago.'

These were the last words of our three heroes.
The Englishman: Thank God I die in England.
The Scotsman: Thank God I don't die in England.
The Irishman: How can they make any profit on this stuff at ?2 a bottle?

Draz that was hilarious.. had me in stitches

ag the english, scot, irishman ones were good but not the first ones! sexist

[agreynel]

was provoked...

[Drazson]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a ?20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are ?20 notes falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '?20 or off it comes!'
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

[agreynel]

now - THAT'S a good joke...

[lily197]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

******

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

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A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for ?1,000 and the tiny ones for ?10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"
His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for ?1,000 and the loose ones for ?10."
His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"
The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

******