Jokes

[Drazson]

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

[Drazson]

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on 'The Sea'. Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them.

The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an arse-hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Agreynel age 36)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[Drazson]

BRAVE MEN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his Wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ?400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on ?800 a year".


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, A 250g pack
of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the
box.

She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales


WARNING .... DO NOT TRY THESE GAGS AT HOME, ALL OF THE ABOVE NAMED GENTLEMEN ARE HAVING THEIR FUNERALS NEXT WEEK

lol draz u continue to crack me up!

[Lannie]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER



You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one....

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course
of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how
beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening , while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just
roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that read:

Dear Son,



I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.....SHE ALWAYS KNOWS!....

[Lannie]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,
you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under
the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

[Lannie]

Why is PMS called PMS?

Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

[lily197]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[lily197]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak
aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm
a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '? Mississippi'."

[Queen_Booyah]

Originally Posted by Lannie

Why is PMS called PMS?

Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

now, now, there! that is hella funny lol